Over the past few decades, psychologists have been asking an important question: how do patterns of attachment get passed from one generation to the next? In simple terms, why do the ways we were parented so often show up again in how we relate to our own children, or even in our adult relationships?
A large review of research – covering 30 years and nearly 5,000 families – has given us some answers. It confirms what earlier studies found: there is a clear link between a parent’s attachment style and that of their child. But the link is not as strong as once believed, and perhaps most interestingly, it cannot be explained by just one factor, like how sensitive or responsive a parent is. This gap in understanding is known as the “transmission gap.”
For me, what stands out here is the good news hidden in the data: our stories are not fixed. Patterns may be passed on, but they are not inevitable.
About the theory
Attachment theory tells us that we all carry “internal working models” of relationships, shaped by early experiences. If we grew up with caregivers who were reliable and attuned, we’re more likely to see relationships as safe places. If, on the other hand, our early experiences involved neglect, inconsistency, or trauma, our internal model may lead us to expect rejection or chaos. It’s not hard to see how those expectations could colour the way we parent, often without us realising it.
But here’s the hopeful part: awareness of these patterns gives us a choice. The research shows that while there is continuity, it is far from absolute. Many people manage to create very different relational environments for their children than the ones they experienced. This suggests that reflection, support, and conscious effort can disrupt old cycles.
Self-compassion is also key. It can be painful to recognise the echoes of our own childhood in how we respond to others today. Shame often creeps in when we see ourselves repeating behaviours we swore we wouldn’t. Yet, shaming ourselves only locks the cycle in place. By meeting ourselves with kindness – recognising that these patterns were survival strategies once – we make it possible to respond differently.
In practice, breaking the cycle might look like pausing when we feel triggered, naming what’s happening inside us, and choosing a gentler response. It might involve therapy, journaling, or simply talking with trusted friends who help us see things more clearly. And sometimes it’s about allowing ourselves to be imperfect parents or partners, knowing that repair and honesty can matter more than getting it “right” every time.
So while the science of attachment still holds mysteries – that persistent “transmission gap” – the takeaway for me is clear: we are not condemned to repeat the past. With awareness and self-compassion, we can loosen the grip of old patterns and open the door to new ways of relating.
Cycles can be broken. And often, it begins with the courage to notice ourselves, and to treat what we find with gentleness.
References
- Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original work published 1969)
- Madigan, S., Moran, G., & Pederson, D. R. (2006). Unresolved states of mind, disorganized attachment relationships, and disrupted interactions of adolescent mothers and their infants. Developmental Psychology, 42(2), 293–304. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.42.2.293
- Van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1995). Adult attachment representations, parental responsiveness, and infant attachment: A meta‐analysis on the predictive validity of the Adult Attachment Interview. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 387–403. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.387
- Verhage, M. L., Schuengel, C., Madigan, S., Fearon, R. M. P., Oosterman, M., Cassibba, R., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2016). Narrowing the transmission gap: A synthesis of three decades of research on intergenerational transmission of attachment. Psychological Bulletin, 142(4), 337–366. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000038